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воскресенье, 21 августа 2016 г.

Russell Howard’s Season’s bleatings!

Reckon the only Christmas commandments are to spend too much cash and guzzle egg-nog? Wrong! The Mock The Week star says there’s a whole list of Yule rules to abide by...

1. WOMEN SHALL RULE THE FESTIVE PERIOD
I love the way all the women in my family deal with Christmas. They take charge of the whole event, doing the shopping, wrapping the presents, hanging the decorations and leaving a mince pie and a glass of sherry out for Santa. And normally all by the end of September. This year, my mum burst into the kitchen on October 1, with armfuls of shopping bags with snowflakes on them, yelling: "It's done, it's done!" Dad looked confused - he'd only just got around to putting the barbecue away.
2. MEN SHALL BECOME MASTERS AT C**P GIFT-BUYING
Most men are rubbish at Christmas shopping. Come Christmas Eve, my dad will be wandering round Bristol city centre desperate to find something. "A ball of string and a Ginsters cheese and onion slice? Dad, you shouldn't have!" I'm no better. Mum lavished so much attention on me and my brother while we were growing up, and how did we repay her every December 25? White Musk soap on a rope from The Body Shop. One year I even got my grandma a necklace from Argos that spelt out the word "Nan". Awful.
3. THOU SHALT NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE UGG OR ABBA
The biggest mystery of the season is the Ugg boot. I don't get it - they look like the shoes the dinner ladies used to wear at school, but women go crazy for them. I once got my girlfriend's mother a pair, and she actually started crying with joy. But last year, every man in Britain ruined their Christmas by buying their other halves the Mamma Mia! DVD. We forgot you'd actually want to watch it. I escaped to the kitchen where my brother and dad were also hiding. It was a scene replicated in kitchens the length and breadth of the country: men eating turkey sandwiches together with the faint rumble of Pierce Brosnan murdering SOS in the front room.
The alternative nativity scene






4. NOEL EDMONDS SHALL SUFFER ABUSE
On Christmas Day, control of the TV goes to Grandad. I love watching Grandad watch TV. For some reason he has a real beef with Noel Edmonds. I don't know what Noel ever did to him, but whenever he comes on, Grandad starts shouting at him. Better still, he thinks Noel can hear him. For example, when Noel has his trousers pulled up high, Grandad will start bellowing: "Why don't you put some jam in your shoes and maybe invite your trousers down to tea?" Always a highlight.
5. MEN SHALL SHOW OFF THEIR CULINARY SKILLS
I take charge in the kitchen. I do Christmas dinner by myself and have done for the last four years. I cook a roast turkey with all the trimmings. Well, I say "cook". I get a lot of help from Tesco Finest when it comes to the prep. I make it look good, though. If it wasn't for the cameras in the kitchen I'd clean up on Come Dine With Me.
6. XMAS MAGIC SHALL APPEAR IN STRANGE WAY
People say that Christmas is all about the children. But in our house, it's all about the puppy. Our Jack Russell, Archie, is getting a hoodie, a sleeping bag and a little house as presents. Me? I don't need presents when I can unwrap Christmas memories. Like when the family sat down after a huge dinner to watch a movie - probably Uncle Buck. It wasn't the film though that captured the magic of the season - it was my nan, who woke herself up by farting. Christmas truly is the most wonderful time of the year.

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