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пятница, 7 апреля 2017 г.

Ticking biological clocks and IVF worries are women's issues, right?

Ticking biological clocks and IVF worries are women's issues, right? Not any more...
Ready for babies vs Ready for work
The names have been picked, so has the buggy and the cute cot - even the colour of the nursery walls. All Neil Kirwan needs now is a baby.

The trouble is, his wife Fiona is nowhere near ready to have one.
PR manager Neil, 28, is one of a growing number of young men desperate to become a father but having to wait because their partners are stalling.
Being a daddy is cool these days. Gone are the times when fatherhood meant pipe and slippers time. Über-dads such as David Beckham, Brad Pitt and Guy Ritchie have made 'family man' a tag to be proud of again.

Fiona and Neil married six months ago
And with deputy prime minister Nick Clegg proposing to extend paternity leave from the "measly" two weeks currently on offer, fatherhood's a hot political topic, too.
'Brokes' - broody blokes desperate to become dads - aren't ashamed to admit fatherhood is their main ambition.
But these days it's tricky, women are busy climbing the career ladder, travelling and enjoying the independence of being child-free.
Self-confessed 'broke' Neil, from Manchester, admits his desire for a child has caused friction in his marriage.
"Whenever I walk past our spare room I see it as the perfect nursery, decked out with a cot and dancing animals painted across the walls," he sighs. "I've decided on names - I like Lola for a girl, Bruce for a boy."
However, his wife Fiona, 32, isn't planning on motherhood anytime soon. "We're in an ideal position to have kids," Neil says. "Financially secure - we've even got a four-wheel drive family car."
But while her husband can't wait to welcome the patter of tiny feet, Fiona's not ready to swap spreadsheets for changing mats.
"A year ago, I was made a partner in a PR company," she explains. "I've worked hard to get where I am now. I don't want to sacrifice all that yet.
"I know Neil's desperate to start a family and that I'm lucky to have a husband who really wants kids, but I think he has unrealistic expectations of the impact having a baby will have on our lives. And on my life, and my career specifically.
"I want to be sure I'm going to make a good mum before I embark on such a life-changing decision," she says. "I certainly don't want to be pushed into it by anyone."
But it seems women are increasingly at risk of being baby-bullied. A recent survey by Virgin Money showed 93 per cent of men believe being a dad is the most significant role in a man's life.
And relationship expert Susan Quilliam explains: "Feeling broody allows a man not only to assert his masculinity biologically wanting to continue the species, but the feeling also enforces his validity."
"These days, women have greater independence, both financially and socially," she says. "This means there is a tendency for men to feel almost redundant, surplus to requirements even. Having children gives them that sense of purpose back.
"As society encourages men to take a bigger role in raising children, they feel more able to express their desire to have babies than ever before."
And with one of America's largest surrogacy agencies, Growing Generations, reporting that the number of single male members has doubled in the past five years, it seems broody singletons don't want to be left out.
Susan believes that the number of men opting to be lone parents will continue to increase in the future.
"Considering around 50 per cent of relationships fail, men don't want to be waiting around for Ms Right only to run the risk of it not working out anyway," she says. "Adopting a child or finding a surrogate is a better option."
Meanwhile, Neil's continuing to hope that Fiona will change her mind.
"I'm putting pressure on her to stop taking the Pill and to leave the situation to fate," he admits. "I know it's a decision we've got to make together, but I don't want to be an old dad. A baby would make my world complete."


Peter Dominik, 32, a decorator from West London has spent two years trying to adopt a child. He says:
"Just because I'm a single man doesn't mean I can't be broody. I was an only child and have always wanted lots of kids. I hoped I'd meet someone, settle down and have kids, but that hasn't happened.
My last three serious relationships have broken up over the issue of children. I wanted them, my girlfriends didn't.
Just over two years ago, I began to think about adopting. It seemed the only way. Soon after I started looking into the adoption process, I began a new relationship. But we split up after six months because she was adamant her career came before kids. She was 30 and didn't want to become a mother until she was at least 38. I didn't want to wait.
Now, nothing will deter me from adopting. My parents have both passed away, but I've spoken to my closest friends and they're really supportive.
I've signed up to adoption agencies both in the UK and abroad. I'm now registered with 10 adoption agencies in the UK, Europe, China, Africa and India. I've had police checks done, my finances analysed, and a full medical history taken. It's intensive, but it ensures the child's safety.
I've spent £10,000 on travelling to orphanages around the world to meet adoption officials and children, and getting legal advice.

Peter with a child who's waiting to be adopted
Soon I'm going to a week-long camp with kids who need to be adopted and other potential adopters. It helps the agencies assess you 24 hours a day.
I've been asked by agencies if I know anyone involved in paedophilia. I understand they have to ask, but it does make me angry to be thought of like that.
There have been a couple of children I'd love to have adopted, but they were placed with couples - they tend to be given precedence. It's frustrating, as I know I could have given the children just as loving a home.
I'm also looking into other ways of becoming a dad. One of which is an embryo adoption programme in Spain.
Couples who have had IVF offer their unused embryos for adoption, to be implanted into a surrogate mother.
My friend Sophia*, who I've known for 15 years, has agreed to be a surrogate for me. She already has kids and knows how desperate I am to be a father. This option is a long way off though. I'd much rather give a child from an orphanage a home.
I'm currently being considered as an adoptive parent to four children, ranging from an eight-month-old baby boy to a five-year-old boy with learning difficulties.
It's down to the authorities what happens next, but I'm hopeful that I'll be matched with a child at some point in the next eight months. I'm doing everything I can to prepare for that day.
I can't wait to be called Dad - I'm ready to be a father. Why should I have to wait for a woman to make that dream a reality?"


Mark Jones, 36, from Liverpool is a business manager. He says:
"Whenever I meet a new woman, I'm sizing her up as a mother, imaging what she'd be like with a child in her arms.
Last year, I ended a relationship after four weeks because she said she didn't want kids. That's a deal breaker for me. While I wouldn't want to rush a romance, I don't want to waste time either. I'm not getting any younger.
Lately, I've started to worry that I'll never be a father. It makes me feel terribly sad that I may not get my dream.
I was with my ex Jenny* for almost eight years, but a year before we were due to be married, I broke it off. We'd been arguing constantly, we weren't right for each other.
That was nearly two years ago and even though she's with someone else now, I still regret it. I worry that may have been my only chance to have kids with someone I love.
Most of my friends have babies and I get a pang when I see them together - I wish it was me pushing a pram.
I've thought about adoption and surrogacy, but they're not really options for me. I want my own kids. I want to be able to look on with pride as my wife brushes my daughter's hair or cheer together when our son scores a goal. I just hope I haven't left it too late."


Kate*, 34, from Sheffield is an air hostess. She was married to Martin*, 39, for 18 months. She says:
"Martin and I met when I was 30. We'd been dating for a year when he proposed and six months after that we married.
We'd never discussed having kids, but as soon as I became his wife, he told me he wanted to try for a baby. I never even saw him as a baby person - he seemed so into his lifestyle, drinking and partying. I wanted to be married for a few years to enjoy each other before we started a family, but Martin was insistent. Reluctantly, I agreed.
Martin seemed to think I'd get pregnant immediately, but as each month rolled by and I still wasn't expecting, he became moody and criticised my diet and drinking habits.
After about four months of trying, Martin came home with an ovulating kit - a packet of sticks that looked like pregnancy tests, that he'd bought from the chemist.
If a line appeared to say I was ovulating, he'd want to have sex immediately. It was so clinical. I wanted our baby to be conceived with love this felt so wrong.
The constant pestering ruined our sex life. After six months our relationship was so damaged, I told him the time wasn't right for us to have a baby. Martin reacted furiously, saying I'd let him down, but I'd already gone back on the Pill. Life became so miserable, I told Martin I wanted a divorce.
Within three years of meeting, our marriage was over. That was just over a year ago. I'm now 34 and I've decided having children isn't for me. I don't have any regrets. It would have been more selfish to have a child I didn't really want."


Martin, a finance manager from Leeds, says:

Martin and Kate before they divorced
"I've been emotionally destroyed by Kate's choice to give up on having kids. I'd have been an amazing and supportive dad.
I'm now single and dating several women, but I'm thinking about adopting if I don't meet the right person soon.
Kate acted selfishly. Perhaps I was a bit over the top, but I was just trying to show her how keen I was to be a dad, for us to be parents.
When we got married I assumed having kids would be the next step. I think she should have thought about whether she wanted to be a mum before we started trying for a baby.
If I'd have known Kate never wanted kids, I wouldn't have married her. I'd never met a woman who didn't want children, or if they said they didn't, I always assumed it was because they hadn't found the right man. I realise now this is naive. I just thought that maternal instinct was something all women have."
This article has 10 comments
Imagine this article the other way round. Imagine women going on about the 'selfishness' of men who simply weren't ready for children. Imagine the criticism of such 'deranged bunny-boilers' that would ensue.

I have sympathy for some of these men; the less coercive ones, to an extent. But for heaven's sake, welcome to the world of being a grown-up! Don't blame other people for not wanting what you want; look for someone who does. Otherwise you risk coming across like the kind of spoilt child who is nowhere near ready for parenthood.

Incidentally: the guy who was angry about being checked for paedophilia. They weren't 'thinking of you' like that. They were thinking of the vulnerable children in their care, as they absolutely should have done. All together now: IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.
By Finisterre.. Posted July 21 2010 at 1:39 PM.
Here's hoping Neil never, ever manages to impregnate anyone until he's massively improved himself as a human being. Anyone who thinks coercing their partner into having a child is a remotely acceptable, let alone good, idea couldn't be less fit to parent if they tried. For that matter, here's hoping Fiona leaves this guy if he doesn't cut the crap, and I mean now.

Someone should also explain to mark that women can tell when you think of them as a baby-machine instead of as a person, and they rarely find it attractive. It's also not a desirable trait in a parent. 
By Dan Holzman-Tweed.. Posted July 16 2010 at 6:06 PM.
Did these men forget to ask their wives if they wanted kids before they got married? Why would they assume their wives wanted kids? That makes little sense.

If having children is so important to you that you're obsessing over it, you'd think it would come up before you make a commitment. I'm not very sympathetic to these men.
By rosalind.. Posted July 15 2010 at 1:47 AM.
Having children requires sacrifice, and not one of these guys (maybe the would-be adopter, but barely) discusses the career, leisure, lifestyle sacrifices they are willing to make to have kids. Neil doesn't offer to be a stay at home dad, Martin doesn't leave behind his partying, and the subtext of Mark's commentary seems to be that he really just wants to be the head of a household where the mother is the primary caregiver.
By sJL.. Posted July 14 2010 at 7:38 PM.
WHy doesn't Neil be a stay at home dad? he's so keen to be a dad and his wife doesn't want her career wrecked, so stay at home Neil?

I mean, youre desire to have kids isn't all about putting all the work, responsibility, sacrifice and duty on your wife, now does it?'

And Kate - good on you for getting away from that sexist psycho!
By Question.. Posted July 14 2010 at 6:54 PM.
This is called reproductive coercion. It's a red flag of an abuser. He won't stop after this coercion - it will escalate. Women should remove themselves from situations where the whiny, privileged, entitled and cluelessly sexist man she's with deliberately and repeatedly attempts to sabotage, manipulate, coerce, guilt trip or intimidate her into having kids.

Kate dodged a real bullet. Here's hoping she finds a real man.

These guys are so moony-eyed about having kids because they know the lions share of the work will fall on the women. Grow up boys.
By gross.. Posted July 14 2010 at 6:48 PM.
It rubbed me the wrong way how that first guy said how they were at an ideal place for having kids, as if his wife actually wanting kids didn't play into whether or not they were ready. If there are multiple people involved in raising a child, then it seems like a given that everyone involved should actually want the kid. It's healthier for everyone involved.

Cat: that's a great idea! A dating site specifically for people who want children would not only get that question out of the way, but probably encourage discussion on exactly how much they wanted children. Then everyone would be clear on what their partner wanted in regards to kids, and there wouldn't be any anger or disappointment later on.
By Flutterby.. Posted July 14 2010 at 5:56 PM.
I dt understand why some women dt wants children now...Im 25 and wants kids bt the person whom im seein says hes nt ready...So any of this men who wants now,maybe we can gets to know each other,,cus time dt waits for no one.thanks
By naa.. Posted July 13 2010 at 1:55 PM.
i,m 28 and have never met a man who wanted children i wish there was a dating site for these men so us woman who do want children and a relationship could meet x
By cat .. Posted July 11 2010 at 1:31 PM.
Weird, I am 32 and the men that I date or been in long term relationships with never want children. Good on the guys for considering adoption. perhaps their should be a dating site for single people who want a relationship and kids.
By S.. Posted July 11 2010 at 11:08 AM.

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